Wednesday, June 14, 2006
Mediocrity
Well, my final gpa for law school is a 2.948. Mediocrity at its finest, people! I feel like I should care more... and also less. Oh well, done is done.
Saturday, June 03, 2006
Leave my mental health alone, thank you very much.
It's not at all unexpected, but today I got a letter from the Washington State Bar Association telling me they couldn't process my application any further until they received information from my shrink as to myBPD2 diagnosis and prognosis. Basically they need my doc to tell them that this condition won't interfere with my practice of law.
I knew that they'd want this info, especially since I was moderately snarky about it on the application. But I really, really, really hate the fact that they get to ask me for this information. It's an invasion of privacy - albeit a sanctioned one - and it feels REALLY, REALLY shitty. I managed to get through MORE than half of law school (as a single mother in the process of a divorce, mind you) with neither a diagnosis nor treatment of BPD2. It wasn't easy, and I wasn't the most stable person ever, but I did it, and I did it competently.
So I really want to say FUCK YOU to the WSBA. But I can't, since the practice of law is "a privilege."
I knew that they'd want this info, especially since I was moderately snarky about it on the application. But I really, really, really hate the fact that they get to ask me for this information. It's an invasion of privacy - albeit a sanctioned one - and it feels REALLY, REALLY shitty. I managed to get through MORE than half of law school (as a single mother in the process of a divorce, mind you) with neither a diagnosis nor treatment of BPD2. It wasn't easy, and I wasn't the most stable person ever, but I did it, and I did it competently.
So I really want to say FUCK YOU to the WSBA. But I can't, since the practice of law is "a privilege."
Friday, June 02, 2006
Life sucks.
There aren't enough synonyms for fear and stress to describe what I see in the next 8 weeks of my life.
I am studying for the Washington State Bar exam. This involves 3 to 4 hours of prep classes per day followed by an additional 4 to 6 hours of individual studying on top of that. On days where I have no classes, I still have to put in 8 hours of studying. I think the prep course has penciled in a day or two off around July 4th, but I'm pretty sure I'll be using those as make up days, not as free time. I get to do this for the next 8 weeks, at the end of which I have to take an exam which runs for 2 & 1/2 days and tests 18 subjects. Good times.
I keep being told that it's just a marathon. And that's true. It is. But in addition I have to actually memorize the rules for 21 subjects (we don't know which 18 will be tested). I also have to learn to write these rules in essay form which is not as easy as it sounds.
I HATE THIS. I HATE THIS SO MUCH. I have to pass. I can't afford to do this again, either financially or psychologically.
I ping pong back and forth between abject fear and feeling like I can do this. I suppose this is normal. Of course everyone around me starts in with "You'll ace it" and "Don't worry, you can do it" comments which are nice but unhelpful. I KNOW that people more stupid and dull than I have passed this, but that doesn't help either. I know I sound ungrateful, but I DON'T know that I can do this. I can't concentrate. I don't know how to study. I don't know how to memorize. There's no curve to save my ass: it's either pass or fail.
I am already seeing myself stressing and unstressing, stressing and unstressing. I'm really trying to take this one day at a time, but it's so very hard. I'm really trying not to future fuck myself, but it's so very hard. I'm really trying not to be so tough on myself, but it's so very hard. I'm really trying not to be closed off and pinched with the people around me, but it's so so so very hard. They have NO IDEA. Really. That sounds terribly self important, but it's true. They have NO POSSIBLE CLUE what I am facing right now. What every law student faces. It's so easy to say "just take it one step at a time, and you'll do fine." NO! It's really possible I won't. Do you think that the 20-30% of law students who fail the bar just fucked around? They studied hard, too. But they just didn't get the points. That could be me in two months.
On top of this, I still have a life. One that I can't simply let slide. I have to buy and prepare healthy food for my daughter. I need to have clean laundry for her and a relatively tidy house. I have to deal with the garbage, and doing dishes, and really slim finances. I have to get my girlie to school each day, and give her time at night when I pick her up. She still needs to have her teeth brushed, her hair shampooed, bedtime stories, and cuddles. I don't have the luxury of foregoing these obligations for 2 months.
Yes, one way or the other, this too shall pass. But man, it really really sucks right now. I'm tired and I want out.
I am studying for the Washington State Bar exam. This involves 3 to 4 hours of prep classes per day followed by an additional 4 to 6 hours of individual studying on top of that. On days where I have no classes, I still have to put in 8 hours of studying. I think the prep course has penciled in a day or two off around July 4th, but I'm pretty sure I'll be using those as make up days, not as free time. I get to do this for the next 8 weeks, at the end of which I have to take an exam which runs for 2 & 1/2 days and tests 18 subjects. Good times.
I keep being told that it's just a marathon. And that's true. It is. But in addition I have to actually memorize the rules for 21 subjects (we don't know which 18 will be tested). I also have to learn to write these rules in essay form which is not as easy as it sounds.
I HATE THIS. I HATE THIS SO MUCH. I have to pass. I can't afford to do this again, either financially or psychologically.
I ping pong back and forth between abject fear and feeling like I can do this. I suppose this is normal. Of course everyone around me starts in with "You'll ace it" and "Don't worry, you can do it" comments which are nice but unhelpful. I KNOW that people more stupid and dull than I have passed this, but that doesn't help either. I know I sound ungrateful, but I DON'T know that I can do this. I can't concentrate. I don't know how to study. I don't know how to memorize. There's no curve to save my ass: it's either pass or fail.
I am already seeing myself stressing and unstressing, stressing and unstressing. I'm really trying to take this one day at a time, but it's so very hard. I'm really trying not to future fuck myself, but it's so very hard. I'm really trying not to be so tough on myself, but it's so very hard. I'm really trying not to be closed off and pinched with the people around me, but it's so so so very hard. They have NO IDEA. Really. That sounds terribly self important, but it's true. They have NO POSSIBLE CLUE what I am facing right now. What every law student faces. It's so easy to say "just take it one step at a time, and you'll do fine." NO! It's really possible I won't. Do you think that the 20-30% of law students who fail the bar just fucked around? They studied hard, too. But they just didn't get the points. That could be me in two months.
On top of this, I still have a life. One that I can't simply let slide. I have to buy and prepare healthy food for my daughter. I need to have clean laundry for her and a relatively tidy house. I have to deal with the garbage, and doing dishes, and really slim finances. I have to get my girlie to school each day, and give her time at night when I pick her up. She still needs to have her teeth brushed, her hair shampooed, bedtime stories, and cuddles. I don't have the luxury of foregoing these obligations for 2 months.
Yes, one way or the other, this too shall pass. But man, it really really sucks right now. I'm tired and I want out.
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