Mediocrity

Well, my final gpa for law school is a 2.948. Mediocrity at its finest, people! I feel like I should care more... and also less. Oh well, done is done.

Leave my mental health alone, thank you very much.

It's not at all unexpected, but today I got a letter from the Washington State Bar Association telling me they couldn't process my application any further until they received information from my shrink as to myBPD2 diagnosis and prognosis. Basically they need my doc to tell them that this condition won't interfere with my practice of law.

I knew that they'd want this info, especially since I was moderately snarky about it on the application. But I really, really, really hate the fact that they get to ask me for this information. It's an invasion of privacy - albeit a sanctioned one - and it feels REALLY, REALLY shitty. I managed to get through MORE than half of law school (as a single mother in the process of a divorce, mind you) with neither a diagnosis nor treatment of BPD2. It wasn't easy, and I wasn't the most stable person ever, but I did it, and I did it competently.

So I really want to say FUCK YOU to the WSBA. But I can't, since the practice of law is "a privilege."

Life sucks.

There aren't enough synonyms for fear and stress to describe what I see in the next 8 weeks of my life.

I am studying for the Washington State Bar exam. This involves 3 to 4 hours of prep classes per day followed by an additional 4 to 6 hours of individual studying on top of that. On days where I have no classes, I still have to put in 8 hours of studying. I think the prep course has penciled in a day or two off around July 4th, but I'm pretty sure I'll be using those as make up days, not as free time. I get to do this for the next 8 weeks, at the end of which I have to take an exam which runs for 2 & 1/2 days and tests 18 subjects. Good times.

I keep being told that it's just a marathon. And that's true. It is. But in addition I have to actually memorize the rules for 21 subjects (we don't know which 18 will be tested). I also have to learn to write these rules in essay form which is not as easy as it sounds.

I HATE THIS. I HATE THIS SO MUCH. I have to pass. I can't afford to do this again, either financially or psychologically.

I ping pong back and forth between abject fear and feeling like I can do this. I suppose this is normal. Of course everyone around me starts in with "You'll ace it" and "Don't worry, you can do it" comments which are nice but unhelpful. I KNOW that people more stupid and dull than I have passed this, but that doesn't help either. I know I sound ungrateful, but I DON'T know that I can do this. I can't concentrate. I don't know how to study. I don't know how to memorize. There's no curve to save my ass: it's either pass or fail.

I am already seeing myself stressing and unstressing, stressing and unstressing. I'm really trying to take this one day at a time, but it's so very hard. I'm really trying not to future fuck myself, but it's so very hard. I'm really trying not to be so tough on myself, but it's so very hard. I'm really trying not to be closed off and pinched with the people around me, but it's so so so very hard. They have NO IDEA. Really. That sounds terribly self important, but it's true. They have NO POSSIBLE CLUE what I am facing right now. What every law student faces. It's so easy to say "just take it one step at a time, and you'll do fine." NO! It's really possible I won't. Do you think that the 20-30% of law students who fail the bar just fucked around? They studied hard, too. But they just didn't get the points. That could be me in two months.

On top of this, I still have a life. One that I can't simply let slide. I have to buy and prepare healthy food for my daughter. I need to have clean laundry for her and a relatively tidy house. I have to deal with the garbage, and doing dishes, and really slim finances. I have to get my girlie to school each day, and give her time at night when I pick her up. She still needs to have her teeth brushed, her hair shampooed, bedtime stories, and cuddles. I don't have the luxury of foregoing these obligations for 2 months.

Yes, one way or the other, this too shall pass. But man, it really really sucks right now. I'm tired and I want out.

Wish

If I could have anything right now, it would be a lap to lay my head in and someone to stroke my hair and tell me it will be alright.

Oh, for the love of...

OK, so the fact that Mother Catholicism doesn't WANT gays among her shepherds is no great news. But yesterday the the Vatican issued a directive which explicitly says that spiritual directors and confessors in seminaries "have the duty to dissuade" any candidates "who show deep-seated homosexual tendencies" from joining the priesthood.

Really.

What exactly ARE deep-seated homosexual tendencies, hmm? Liking Judy Garland too much? A lisp? Never having had a girlfriend? Seriously, what constitutes a "deep-seated" homosexual tendency? And how does that differ from a shallow homosexual tendency? Is that someone who's only a little bit gay? Maybe someone who's donated to HRC, or who's attended a pride parade (but of course never marched in one...)? Someone who had a little guy on guy fling but has "gotten past it"? Maybe it's someone who's Bi?

I think the real issue, though is in "the duty to dissuade." Isn't the call to serve God one of those things that isn't for man to interfere with? Y'know, "not my will, but God's will"? And doesn't the Church revere saints who fought against the odds, and even died, to serve God? Yeah, I thought so.

Well, apparently that's not good enough for Mother Catholicism. It seems the Church thinks that homosexual priests "find themselves in a situation that seriously obstructs them from properly relating to men and women." HUH?! How in the WORLD does a celibate GAY man relate less well to men and women than a celibate STRAIGHT man? I mean, most women I know would say that, on a non-sexual basis, gay men relate to them FAR better than straight guys do. Doesn't that tell you something?

Maybe the Church's really problem is a fear that the gay priests won't be able to do the celibacy thing. After all, those gayboys, they're MANIMALS! They just won't be able to keep themselves from hitting the bathhouses and turnpike reststops. But here's my thinkin': the guys who go for gloryholes, are NOT the kind of guys that become priests, y'know? Anymore than straight guys who hit the bars and pick up chicks are the guys that become priests.

Moreover, priests know about the celibacy thing when they sign on the dotted line; it's not like it's some big surprise. Anyone signing up knows that what's expected of them. So where's the problem? If he ain't gettin any ANYWAY, what does it matter that he fantasizes about men instead of women? Is it OK that straight priests jack off to thoughts of women (and yes, they DO jack off)? Even if you DO think fantasies of gay sex are wrong, isn't that really between the priest and God?

Earlier this fall, in anticipation of the publication of the Directive, the Vatican ordered a year long inspection of seminaries and theological schools in the U.S. to look for "evidence of homosexuality" and for faculty members who dissent from church teachings. Apparently it reflects the concern some higher ups had about the church's child-molestation scandal.

Now let's analyze this last paragraph shall we? OK, so we got a year long inspection of seminaries to look for evidence of gays in the ranks. Hm. Whaddya suppose they're looking for? Copies of 'Out"? Anal lube? Or is it just that they're going to talk to people, and suss out the gays that way? Y'know..."Welllll Fr. Fredrick over there seems a bit mincy and whenever Stone Phillips is on he gets a faraway look in his eye..."? Seems REALLY McCarthy-esque. Or, perhaps more a propos - inquisitionesque.

THEN we have them looking for evidence of homosexuality IN THE U.S. Because, dontcha know, gayness only happens in America. We are loose, LOOSE people, we Americans. Except that in terms of acceptance of homosexuality, America is near the bottom of the list of the industrialized nations.

Finally, they're weeding out gays as a response to the pedophilia scandals. OK, is there anyone who doesn't know that taking gays out of the picture won't do a goddamned thing about the child-gropers? Seriously, raise your hands! Because every legitimate fucking study of child molestation says two things: one, it's most likely to be done by a family member, and two, the perpetrators are overwhelmingly straight men . But, hey, research be damned! You gotta have SOMEONE to blame, right? And honestly, this keeps the Church from having to deal with selecting out the pedophiles.

Damn. Just when you think the world is taking a few steps forward, it jumps a half mile back.

And people wonder why I left the Church.