Tired.

My shrink wants me to up my Lamictal dosage. She says I sound depressed.

SIGH.

Dammit, I don't want to be depressed anymore. I don't want to have bipolar anymore. I want to be normal. I'm really tired of feeling low. Yes, on a minute to minute basis, I'm OK. But shit falls in my path, and i don't skip over it any more. I stand and contemplate it, trying to figure out why it fell in my path. Did I do something to cause it to fall? Then I look behind me and see all the other things that have been in my path, and I suddenly feel tired and resentful that there is YET another thing to deal with. And I poke and prod at it, trying to move it outta my way, trying to push it off to the side so I don't have to deal with it, trying to deconstruct it so that it's just dust. In the end, I just edge around it. It would be so much easier if I could just climb without thinking, like I used to.

Yeah I'm tired. And sad. And tired of being sad. Tired of feeling like I never get cut a break. Tired of never being able to cut myself a break. Tired of feeling like a shitty parent. Tired of feeling like a shitty student. Tired of feeling like a shitty girlfriend, and sister, and daughter, and friend. Tired of feeling old and fat. Tired of having to put on a happy face. Tired of recursive thinking. Tired of PMS. Tired of the pain in my body.

Dammit, I was doing SO well for a while.

And I have no one I can share this with. Over the past year or so, I've laid too much on the people who care about me, and I can't afford to see my regular therapist. My shrink is mostly for meds recommended by my therapist. The one (non-paid) person I could share this with is tired, too.

Oh well. This is how it goes. Maybe the boost in meds will help.