The faith of the Faithless

I want this smoothed out. I want to feel secure again. I want it done. But it's never done, is it? There's always more to come.

I want him to be able to reach into my mind and know what it is I am trying to communicate. I want him to reach in there and see my truth, to understand me, to know my heart. And there's the rub: you can't reach the heart through the brain, can you?

I am terrified that my penchant for over analyzing is going to drive a wedge between us. And I'm terrified that my terror of this is going to make this a self fulfilling prophecy. I'm terrified that he won't trust me because I still trust him. I'm terrified that my lack of anger at him is going to drive him away. I'm terrified that he's going to walk away from me because of some stupid idea that he is going to let me down, when the only way he'll let me down is if he walks away from me.

My ability to get mired in negative recursive thinking is amazing, isn't it?

I'm just so tired of this. I'm tired of working things through long distance. I'm tired of not being able to communicate with eyes, touch, smiles. I'm tired of being scared. I'm tired of the extremes of intense communication and silence for lack of a topic. I'm tired of waiting.

All I fucking want is a normal relationship with him.

But I can't have that right now. And now is all I have. So I have to sit with the abnormality and the insecurity and the exhaustion, and just be with it, not blocking it off or pushing it away or acting out because of it. It. Will. Change. And so knowing, I can and must let it be.