Mama Done a Bad, Bad Thing

I slapped my child this morning.

For no good reason other than not being able to shut her mouth and listen, I slapped her. On the back of the head as she was about to descend into a full bore tantrum. There is no excuse for this; I should have been more patient with her.

I immediately broke down into tears and apologized.

I don't know what to do about my lack of patience, I really don't. Sure, there are circumstances - her father was sick this weekend, so she was with me the whole time, AND her day care is closed so I'll have to manage her AND studying. My personal life is crap right now, and I've been drinking too much at night to deal with it. I have no job, no prospects for one, and no money to speak of. I'm still managing my depression and that's not easily done. I can't afford therapy right now, and I have no one to talk to about all this - at least not without having to explain and explain and explain. Or maybe the truth of that last statement is that I don't really trust anyone with my vulnerability. Dunno.

Regardless, this is really affecting my ability to be a loving, patient, effective parent. I do NOT know what to do; I don't know how to cope with this. The last time it was this bad, I left my husband and it got better. Can't do that now. I really fear the example I'm setting for her, but I don't know how to change course.

I love her so much, so very very much, but I can't seem to let go of my need to control. I forget she's 4. I forget that she doesn't have foresight and self -control. I forget that she's just learning. I want to be a good mama...to help her grow and become the cool human being I know she is. I have to remember that her argumentativeness and sass and in-your-face knowitallness is her nature: she is my child and I was just like that. I can't have it both ways...I can't raise a smart, strong, self-assured, independent girl who takes no shit if I expect her to be compliant and perfectly controlled with me. I just don't want her to be a beast-child, because I hate kids like that, and I don't want to be one of those mothers who overlooks their child's horrific behavior because I hate them too.

Oh, this is going to be a looooong.....life. And I gotta figure out how to ride it through without breaking her or me.